The Mac I Never Knew

Ok I realize that I haven’t posted for over a week but I have a good excuse.  I’ve converted.  Switched over. Gone to the other side.  Yes, I am now officially a Mac user.  It took a while to get my files transferred and my email and contact information converted while maintaining some level of work productivity.  But, oh, was it worth it.

I have heard Mac users in the past tell me about the wonders of a Mac vs. PC.  I would walk through an airport and see the clusters of stylish cases with their little fruit logos that would light up like a beacon of hope for a new world order.  These Macinites would even seem to huddle together like nesting penguins and speak in strange tongues or “Mac-speak.”  I thought they were evil.  Part of a fraternity of devil spawn meant to suck me into their embittered web of Steve Jobs propaganda and deceit.  Well, maybe that’s a little over the top . . . but I did think it was a lot of biased hype.  You see, I was raised on PC and when I was doing database programming, PC was the only viable platform.  But that was 6 years ago and things have changed.  My wife will tell you that I can be a sucker for marketing so I have to admit the Apple commercials became intriguing to me.  I would find myself peering over the shoulders of Mac worshipers and become entranced with things that were foreign to me such as speed and simplified menus.  Finally the frustration of missing .dll files, error messages, constant start-ups and shut-downs, viruses, and program speeds that I could have rivaled with a chisel and stone pushed me over the edge.  As my last PC began to take it’s last steps into the bright light, I said the words, “I___want___a___Mac.”

I powered up the strange little machine and what would follow would alter me forever.  There are colors I’ve never seen and a screen so vivid I had to look away at first.  All of my programs are waiting for me in a neat little line ecstatically wanting to be used as I briefly acknowledge their existence with the pass of my mouse.  Then I’m introduced to “Spaces” and “Expose’.”  I practically squeal with glee.  Even my Office programs had features I never knew could exist.  You close the monitor and it goes to sleep.  You open it and it instantly wakes up!  The list goes on and on.

But then I began to think of my life for the past 14 years.  The pain, the suffering, the endless calls to tech support.  I felt my heart grow cold.  I could taste a bitter acidity as I realized . . .

I’d been lied to . . . . . . . . . brainwashed.

Bill Gates and his minions in their Seattle compound were one step away from having me selling roses at an intersection.

I had become a Microsoft Moonie.

Never again!  Today, I apologize to Mac users everywhere for the intolerance and persecution you have endured.  I am one of you and have always been at heart.  You are my tribe.  You are my people.

When I Grow Up . . .

I’m sorry but I thought this was hilarious.  Someone sent this to me saying it was an actual homework assignment.  I don’t know if that’s true but it still cracked me up!

 

Dear Mrs. Jones,
I wish to clarify that I am not now, nor have I ever been, an exotic dancer. 
I work at Home Depot and I told my daughter how hectic it was last week before the blizzard hit.  I told her we sold out every single shovel we had, and then I found one more in the back room, and that several people were fighting over who would get it.    Her picture doesn’t show me dancing around a pole.  It’s supposed to depict me selling the last snow shovel we had at Home Depot.
From now on I will remember to check her homework more thoroughly before she turns it in.
Sincerely,
Mrs.  Smith

When It Hits the Fan

Ever have one of those weeks where it seems that if it can go wrong it will?  Well, welcome to my week.  It’s like attending a cow pie skeet-shoot and everyone yells “pull” at the same time and you’re left without an umbrella (get the picture?).  I’m talking about situations that range from the usual daily drama to the legitimately justified crisis all the way to the “you’ve got to be kidding me” ridiculous scenarios that can only be resolved by pharmaceutical intervention (and no, I don’t mean me). 

I certainly don’t want to make light of legitimate situations that are truly unavoidable and unintentional, it’s just the things that are unnecessary and can be prevented that are most challenging.  But these things do happen and believe it or not, they have a purpose. 

A few weeks ago, I felt that God was telling me to get ready for some stormy days ahead.  Not exactly what I typically like to hear.  But I realized that He was telling me so that I could focus and not become distracted.  As I was considering all of this, I was reminded of the potential benefits that storms can bring (I realize I’m changing metaphors but this is a little . . . ahem . . . less delicate to work around). 

Sometimes storms leave behind damage and destruction along with heavy rain.  In the midst and aftermath of a storm, you can feel disoriented, confused, and depending on the situation, a sense of loss.  However have you also noticed how clean the air is afterwards and how months of filth and dirt that have accumulated have been washed away?  You often see on the evening news how, in the midst of wreckage and debris, people begin to come together to provide relief and assistance.  There is a sense of unity that begins to form between people who were once strangers.  There is a common purpose that moves beyond people’s preferences and provides an opportunity for their character to be revealed.  It is during the rescue and rebuilding that heroes are made or discovered.  Challenging situations that seem insurmountable can give us some of our greatest stories of faithfulness, loyalty, provision and friendship.  No one likes going through a storm and having to wait it out.  But you have to remember, they don’t last forever.  They can just seem like they do.  Next time you see storm clouds on the horizon, just remember that they can also bring great opportunities with them. 

And as for things hitting the fan, . . . well . . . I’ll just leave it at that.

Alright, I admit it . . .

I don’t like flying.   I guess you could call it a fear.  It’s not enough to stop me from getting on a plane or enjoying traveling.  It’s just a low-grade unease that sets in.  A couple of years ago it was worse.  I think I believed that I could actually steer the plane by clawing the armrests as hard as I possibly could.  When we hit turbulence, it would take my prayer-life to a whole new level.  I would tell the person next to me how much I loved them and ask them to hold me.  I guess I would have gotten a better response if I knew them. 

These days, I’m more used to it since I ‘ve had to do more traveling.  I’m no longer dousing the plane with holy water and reciting the entire Book of Common Prayer.  I find that I love airports and enjoy the experience of travel.  A lot of it had to do with facing my fear rather than ignoring it or running from it.  I knew that if I was going to be able to continue with what God has called me to do, I would have to deal with it.  I remember praying one trip for a smooth ride and immediately I heard God say “Jeff, when have I ever promised you a smooth ride in anything?  I only promised that I would give you the grace for whatever you come against.”  Ouch!  Good point, God.  I should know better.  Strangely, once I accepted that fact, my fear began to diminish with each trip I took.  My faith was readjusted to be focused on the right things and as a result, my fears were in a process of being defeated. 

So the other night, I turned on the TV to find this on the screen -

 

 

I think I may have soiled myself . . .

 

 

I can only imagine what those poor people experienced during that ordeal.  Apparently, everyone remained calm and escaped without incident.  I definitely consider the crew of that flight all to be heroes and they should be commended!  As I continued to watch the news coverage and felt some old feelings begin to surface, I heard the Lord quietly remind me “I won’t always prevent you from enduring trials because that is where you are tested and grow, but I will always give you the grace for whatever comes your way.”  “You’re right, Lord.  Good reminder,”  I said.    I got my tea and sat down to listen to the accounts of heroism and rested with a fresh sense of confidence.

 

Holy Hardware!

There are many commercials on TV right now that I find annoying:  the bearded man that yells incessantly about fabric glue or bleach alternative;  the “after 10″ advertisements for singles chat lines; and let’s not forget . . . five . . . five dollar . . . five dollar foot . . FOR THE LOVE OF  – - – - !! I’m sure that these have been used as interrogation resources in terrorists training camps.  However, these pale compared to the latest commercial for a sterling silver, brilliant genuine crystal, cross necklace. This isn’t just any regular crystal cross; oh no . . . it has the Lord’s Prayer embedded in a “secret” center stone.  Once you hold it up to the light, it magically reveals the entire prayer.

Why . . . .why is this necessary in life?

Is there a possible scenario that could warrant such a ghastly trinket?

What?  Am I going to be at a prayer meeting and have someone ask me to close the meeting with the Lord’s Prayer?

“Our Father, who is in heaven” . . .  I draw a blank . . . people are staring!  I start to break into a flop-sweat . . . but wait!

I have my Genuine Brilliant Crystal Lord’s Prayer Cross ($19.95 plus shipping and handling.  Call right now and we’ll double your order!) In a quick move I clasp the cross between my hands and lift it desperately into the air just a couple of inches from my face.  I squint with strained intensity as I begin to read the microscopic print.  (Everyone thinks that I’m being moved by the Spirit a probably just a little closer to Jesus.)  Like James Earl Jones, I recite each word with an apocalyptic voice as people begin to weep.  Lives are changed . . . things will never be the same again.

Ok, a little over-the-top, I know . . . but while I certainly have no problem with the wearing of a cross as a symbol of authentic faith, I begin to draw the line when it is suffocating in the cavernous cleavage of some pop diva who, while receiving her MTV award in her studded dog collar and clear heels, blurts out, “I wanna giva holla out to Jesus fer makin’ this possible!  Aw-rite!?  Yeh.”  I’m sorry; it just lacks a little something.

But just as bad, if not worse, is the Christian sub-culture that has retail marketers and corporations foaming at the mouth in an anticipatory frenzy.  Just go to any convention, bookstore, or trade show and you can find almost anything.  From myrrh perfume (have you smelled myrrh, by the way?) to Jesus action figures.  It’s there!

But there is something about what we have done with the cross.  In the first century church, the cross was a frightening representation of execution.  In fact, the early Christians rarely used it in iconography because of its painful and gruesome method of execution.  The closest example we would have today would be the electric chair.  Now while I am not a huge fan of making this over-simplified comparison, it does make a point.  It was a method of torturous execution.  There is something dangerous about taking the cross and making it into a keepsake or trendy symbol or trinket.  It makes it too safe.  It makes it familiar and diminishes its ability to remind us of the terrible sacrifice that Christ made for us.  It makes us forget that we too must make a sacrifice to truly follow Him.  It becomes just another pop-culture icon lost in a sea of everything relevant.  Like I said, I have no problem with people wearing a cross or having it tattooed on their body, just as long as they understand what it represents and much like everything else with our faith, it has to mean something to them.  That’s where the power is.

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